June, Joy, & John 15:5
"I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing."
JOHN 15:5 KJV
I have a confession:
I am delusional and are addicted to creating fake scenarios: using them as a way to "pre-live" my life, control the outcomes of situations, or feed my own ego. I used to treat people based on who my mind told me they were, rather than seeing them for who they actually were, which only resulted in self-idolatry and bitterness. I realized that drama was once my defense mechanism, a way I thought I was protecting my heart, but it became a platform for resentment. I am learning that while my heart can be deceitful and capable of lying to me to protect my ego, but fret not: apparently I am not a narcissist; I simply struggle with self-absorption and a need to surrender.
the first step to true healing is to ✨address it✨
Healing for me has meant asking myself difficult questions, like whether I am merely remembering or rehearsing the past, and what I am spending my emotional currency on. I am learning to tolerate unresolved feelings better and to replace investigation with action, making sure to name the emotion rather than the story. — and the beautiful part about life is, the story continues and it’s never too late to begin a new one. I’ve had some amazing firsts this month. I’ve had great dinners, maintained sobriety for 2 secs, discovered new methods to emotional regulation, and spent a lot of intimate time with my father. The new love of my life is a daily 3 hour walk in my neighborhood’s local park. June didn’t feel like a month; it felt like a curriculum. It was a 30-day masterclass in showing up, even when my body wanted to stay in the pacing-the-living-room loop. I’m trading my idle time for movement—my Apple Health app tells me I’ve added 3,000 steps to my daily average, putting me at a steady 10,300 steps a day.
I’ve also had a "diverse" month of suitors. I’m still standing firm in my singleness—not because I’m closed off, but because this chapter of my life is for my Father, my Lord, and for me. I went on 2 dates this month.. and I hate that for me because not only did I say I was done dating, but I’m finding that once guys get a taste of this mixture of raw, refreshing energy, they want to "lock it down" before they even know who I am. There is 0 reason why on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date, a man would be discussing marriage or how they see a relationship moving in a certain direction?? using the word relationship even, that’s just too much for me!
