May Metamorphosis & the Muted Bloom
to the girl who feels like a “bad Christian”:
you’re not alone - both in essence and in spirit.
There is a specific peace buried deep within my ribcage that tells me God hasn't abandoned me to the mess; my prayers might sound completely frantic and backed by insecurity, but the storm is really just clearing out the fake ass hoes who CANNOT go where I'm going, and the habits that would hinder the sustenance of my success. I know I will prevail because he has never once turned his back on me. It will get greater later (super fucking soon, I smell it, because it kind of already has), and 2 Corinthians 1:2-5 comforts me in knowing such. I will be the voice of guidance and faith for the future — maybe comforting people going through the darkest time of their life, through MY testimony.
In a strange way, I have such gratitude for this season in my life. This is an important part of my history, and ultimate come-up – Because when you genuinely hit rock bottom? There’s only one way to go; and it’s up. I’m already so inspired by my future self, and though I am working on the grant of grace, and rebuilding my professional confidence.. I am so incredibly proud of who I am, and everything I stand for.
and then, girl, I could touch on the suddenly fake friends I no longer have, but I have bigger fish to fry, so let’s talk about this roster — or the forced lack thereof. I am currently in a state of wanting to be truly, aggressively single. I find it deeply offensive and genuinely annoying when men find the audacity in their lungs.. Or the fucking muscles in their thumbs – to reach out to me right now. Like, I am genuinely scared of anyone who finds me to be something worth dating, at a time like now.. because obviously I know what’s wrong with me.. but something has to be wrong with you if you smell “compatibility” on a person who’s in the darkest part of of their life and very obviously in the obnoxious part of their 20s????? I’ve gotten a taste of being single, and I can see that my caliber of man is elevating, so yay.
But never underestimate the power in having your own. I wish I’d never have trusted a man, because now I bask in the consequence of trying to choose loving a man more than I love my independence… 5 months ago, I vowed that I would never give another man the opportunity to betray me, or my livelihood.
